Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally

Her: She’s a ten but she-

Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.