Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better