Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

THE AUDACITY. 😤

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

You don’t even know

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*