Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Me: I could really use a hug rn.

Bear: …okay.

Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.