Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge