Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

Oh yeh? Explain this then

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come

COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…