ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
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People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours