@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

- @Tommytoughstuff

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@TheAndrewNadeau

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

@WakeVII

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

@corysnearowski

In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed

@ThatMummyLife

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

@chuuew

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

@SteveSuckington

[blind date]

HER: lmao! You seriously wore pajamas on a first date?

ME: hey!! You’re not blind!!

@AmishPornStar1

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

@KateQFunny

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

@electrolemon

damn girl, you got a butt that WON’T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn’t stop* …et tu, bootay