ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
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NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway