ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
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My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”