ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
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Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.