me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
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A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …