me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
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12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
