Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
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I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals