Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
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The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
what’s the point then??
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
these can’t be my only options
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream