Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

the pigeons are already plenty salty

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

perfect

8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

Me: “Not this tired.”

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks

[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.