Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
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I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
This is my brand.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
The jeans are skinny. I’m not
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere