Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

sometimes i miss this memes

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is

he looks great for his age

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”