Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
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Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep