Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

this is 10/10 content no notes

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio