ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
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A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
my favorite gender
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///