Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

[Top of the Eiffel Tower]

Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you

Them:

Me: get it? “I fell”

Them: *pushes me off* you fell

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

What?

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it