Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”