Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
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Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Kids, do not try this at home!
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My safe word is Worcestershire
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go