Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
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“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
My favorite farside!!
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
When life hands you women, make women laid.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
