Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
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A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.