Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always give 100%

unless you’re donating blood.

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

Pleading insanity in small claims court

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

The point of your 20s

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.