Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

i- i did not expect this

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

[getting a retweet]

“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”

Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.

Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.