Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
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The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I think I’m gonna be sick
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.