Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern

Roadside Assistance: how can i help you

Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”