Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
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Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
🙄😏😂🤣
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber