ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
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Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year