ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
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So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Asking the real questions!
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae