Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

Me when I try to be useful

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

work smarter, not harder

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies

Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.