Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.