Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
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Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
when a toddler tells a story
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
just got my engagement photos
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.