Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.

I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

Sooo many times…..

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.