me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
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can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
crying
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!