Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
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Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information