Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
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Why soy sad?
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
my first day as a raccoon
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.