Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”

Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

*pokes sex life with a stick

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.