Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

2015: cake by the ocean

2020: the ocean is cake

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it