Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
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If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Covert ops
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!