Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker

If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

[confessional]

me: father, gooey naan.

father: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

[being strangled]

me: wait stop

murderer: what

me: did u wash your hands

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.