me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
You Might Also Like
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
me: *at home* how was your day, how was school
my kid: *crickets*me: *driving in heavy traffic*
my kid: who discovered infinity, what’s the capital of sri lanka, why do teenagers say skibidi rizz ohio, if jesus was born in year 0 was it year 1 just 6 days later
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?