Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit

starting a garage orchestra

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH

HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.