me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
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a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function