Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

me: hello 911

operator: actually you’ve reached 116

me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

Do not steal food from the science building!

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.