Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
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Bit chilly again tonight.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Gas station lines at 2 am:
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Xylophonist Shredding It
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”