Me sliding into hell like
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Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Buck naked
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)