Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?

PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room

WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

Dishonest mechanic?

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

When customers come in 6 hours before closing