Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

HOW DARE YOU

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️