Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses

I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

normalize having existential bread

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.