Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”

Do I laugh or….?

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”

My dog:

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

Lmfao

BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?

Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

PLEASE READ

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …