me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
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I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Stop being racist to kettles.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP