Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*

You crazy? Security will hear us

Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?

NOTHING

Security: ALRIGHT

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

[Job Interview]

How would you describe your time management skills?

Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.