Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.

what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings

Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

😭🤣

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.