ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
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ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.