Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a type: disappointing

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?

Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.