Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.