Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.

MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.

Guys.

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.