Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces

ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft