Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month