Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*