ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
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witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck