Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.

The charge is wreckless driving.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed