Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.

Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

My dream job is getting paid to dream

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?

19: I don’t want to tell you.

Me: Was it porn?

19: It’s worse.

Me: What was it?

19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2

😆😆😆

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.