Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings

elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races