Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

it must be school picture day

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

I love greens, but not in a sexual way

Platonic salads, so to speak

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.