Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

[Me at doctor’s office]

[thoroughly removes make up]

Me: Ok, weigh me now

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop