Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

Spoiler Alert: I was late

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.