Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.