Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
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Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Don’t snitch tag.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.