Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
You Might Also Like
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.